out of the shadows
For as long as I can remember, I've always had trouble embracing every part of myself. It's been a mess of insecurities and lack of self-esteem. Now, at eighteen, I know I can't fully understand why I did this to myself, or let my issues get the best of me; I do know, however, that seeing who I am doesn't hurt as much anymore.
This inner battle with myself was never seen, but as I grew older and times changed, I noticed those demons creep out of the deepest parts of my brain. I found myself wanting to change little parts of who I was to fit in with trends and the rest of society. I didn't use to have a lot friends when I was younger, so I was in the mindset that if I went through all of these changes, that I would wake up one morning and not only love myself completely, but have people lining up to be my friend. I was hit with the harsh reality that that's not how life worked. I had to do this on my own and learn to appreciate all that I am and get to a point in my life that looking at myself won't make my cry or tempt me to break the reflection of the flaws staring back at me.
Even now I still have trouble accepting that my body is shaped different than others. I know that not one person is built the same way, but it still won't stop me from comparing myself and finding a way to work a self-deprecating joke into a conversation every once in a while. It's wrong of me to degrade myself, and I know that I need to move past this and work harder to love all the "bad" parts, but I've spent so long picking at my own flaws that I desire constant reassurance that no one can see everything that I see wrong with myself.
Time has passed, and while the body that my soul inhabits isn't like any one person's, I know that my demons have not won this long going war. I'm in a much happier mental place with my body now, and I think that having people in your life that see past the personal issues and accept you for the personality are important to have.
I hope they can help me see myself as they do. I hope to one day step out of the shadows that are shrouded in my insecurities, because I know that just one step forward could make all the difference.
This inner battle with myself was never seen, but as I grew older and times changed, I noticed those demons creep out of the deepest parts of my brain. I found myself wanting to change little parts of who I was to fit in with trends and the rest of society. I didn't use to have a lot friends when I was younger, so I was in the mindset that if I went through all of these changes, that I would wake up one morning and not only love myself completely, but have people lining up to be my friend. I was hit with the harsh reality that that's not how life worked. I had to do this on my own and learn to appreciate all that I am and get to a point in my life that looking at myself won't make my cry or tempt me to break the reflection of the flaws staring back at me.
Even now I still have trouble accepting that my body is shaped different than others. I know that not one person is built the same way, but it still won't stop me from comparing myself and finding a way to work a self-deprecating joke into a conversation every once in a while. It's wrong of me to degrade myself, and I know that I need to move past this and work harder to love all the "bad" parts, but I've spent so long picking at my own flaws that I desire constant reassurance that no one can see everything that I see wrong with myself.
Time has passed, and while the body that my soul inhabits isn't like any one person's, I know that my demons have not won this long going war. I'm in a much happier mental place with my body now, and I think that having people in your life that see past the personal issues and accept you for the personality are important to have.
I hope they can help me see myself as they do. I hope to one day step out of the shadows that are shrouded in my insecurities, because I know that just one step forward could make all the difference.
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