brain matter

       I like to think that I have a good relationship with the head that sits on my shoulders.  Somedays, my brain seems to think so, too, because my mood is high, my productivity soars, and the myriad of negative thoughts stay quiet and let the light in. Days can pass by and the system shows no sign of the brain matter that has the potential to ruin the positive relationship that spent a week creating.  My mind is content in the choices it's selected, and said process for decision making is quick and efficient with no smoke and mirrors to deter me in the paths taken.  Then, the smoke and mirrors bring in the storm clouds and drench the mind that got comfortable from the dopamine, so the impact of the insecurity lingers too long, and now my self-conscious is dealing with a collection of scenarios conceived of memories lived.



        Overthinking is my fatal flaw.  If I wanted to feel fancy, I would use hamartia, but then I'd end up overthinking if I was using it in the right context and if it made sense, and then I'd end up changing it so many times that I'd forget the meaning, so, really, I'm proving my point right now.  These days are common, and, I find as I've gotten older, this hamartia has intertwined itself permanently into my personality.  My mind takes one snippet out of my life and chooses to create a scenario that seems completely implausible and too fantastical to ever occur in reality, but my thoughts accept it as the only outcome to the situation.  I lose myself in the insecurities of everything that I have done or will do wrong, and eventually shut myself off from taking risks or making impactful decisions.



       This habit is one that is not easy to break.  When your brain has taken it upon itself to nitpick your entire life, the overthinking becomes a key part of every choice made or to be made.  The habit has gotten to the point where you end up losing sleep over it because your brain is going a mile a minute and all you want to do is drown out the sounds in your head.  I guess the brain rejects the idea of quiet because all you're given are dramatizations of how the people around you may react to the words that fall from your already guilt dripping lips.



       This fatal flaw will ultimately be my undoing, and every day I am actively working to think less and do more because overthinking can impede areas of life that others have already been.  I like to think that I have a good relationship with the head that sits on my shoulders, I just wish that my brain would give me a day off from the battle of choices that constantly change their perception and let me make the bigger decisions that matter the most without having to overthink the smallest.  The only casualties being the dreams that I won't complete, and the reward of happiness.